the roller coaster theory

you fear it before hand, you puke afterwards.. ya the same old phenomenon. but meanwhile, might as well enjoy the ride eh.. :)

house surgeoncy full swing on , ladies and gentlemen.. and the first week u should have seen me raving mad and restless, running abt in the acute care room in casualty@med col.. gosh! it was awesome thinking i was saving the lives of all those poor ppl coming in with RTA,heart attack, vomiting blood or whatever.. the bubble burst soon enough and 1 week into it, i was beginning to get the whiff of my ignorance and helplessness that loyally follows it..if i ever wondered why ACR postings were only 1 week, that one week taught me quite a lot.. but mostly, as i said, abt my ignorance and the coexistant helplessness.

well, moving on to IDU was a pleasant change of atmosphere, and back to square one i was.. running the ward 24 single handedly ( happily ignoring the other 2 HS colleagues and the sisters,attenders and of course the unit chief and associates ) felt like bliss, until.. well in an unexpected twist of events, a hepatitis patient went in for liver failure and a varicella encephalitis patient with kidney failure and uncontrolled BP was brought in with his life hanging on peritoneal dialysis... yup, my dear fellas, i did it... i saved them both.. dont worry, soon enough the bubble here burst too and i am not quite sure if it happened out of the resurfacing of my Ignorance and Helplessness syndrome, or just the stress and pressure of sleepless nights and days of titrating antihypertensives and watching over the 40 cycles of dialysis, end on.. again, it cost quite a bubble bursting for me to have realised that Infectious disease unit had in stock for me not only a 1 week posting ( that felt like a life time in that isolation ward for varicella) but also  xmas new year surprise gift... yup! all wrapped in shiny little dew drops, i am sitting out the first week of a brilliant career-deciding year 2012, at my home, with chicken pox... and , mind you, it was just BBQ alright :)


while the BBQ was still on the grill, i had an interesting week at the pulmonary medicine dept... believe it or not, my first heads-on with these guys were back in 2nd yr, and i was absolutely awestruck.. when i learned i was gonna be in this dept for my sole specialty posting, it wasnt much of a disappointment for me to know i missed out on radiodiagnosis, forensics, dermatology, and some other depts.. but , as the narrative is going downhill, gathering all its sarcasm to the fullest, you might have guessed already that here, no bubble is gonna even appear for me... of course some vesicles appeared towards the end, and i should admit i
was overjoyed to get the fever -( which was lost when i learned it was my 2nd chicken pox in less than 4 yrs!) - bcoz if there is anything i wasnt expecting there , it was "chill"..

ya, there was the December chills, and plenty of exacerbations of asthma and COPD was occurring statewide, but surely, it wasnt my fault .. anyway, i continued to feel so and i wondered why.. sure it was a guy place, and i was the sole female in that dept, but i still couldnt make out if the Chills had something to do with my gender. 3 days into the new place, i just lost all my xmas spirit.. at xmas my family received my ghost at home.. :) back to wrk from the break, i felt i was back in Azkaban.. and Dementors were so sweet.. it was just my luck, and the prejudices were deep rooted and quite mutual by then... the "lone wolf" thing was pretty much in fashion for me some time ago, but this time , it was killing the mood of the year.. the road from xmas to new year was just so rough, i was snapping at everyone.. patients, bystanders, family, loved ones... and 31st i just lost it, i broke away... if i could grab a drink or something on new year eve, i would have done it this time ...

and come New Year 2012... there i was ,down with 102c fever and a couple of shiny dew drops on my back.. :) what a bang! but in a sense, i was happy to have that excuse ..i grabbed it and was back home, to mother's love and a ton of chicken pox medicines ( believe me, you dont wanna have chicken pox 2nd time for all the world, once it starts) ... sure enough i hated Acivir tabs like i was eating lead bullets.. but it was sanity and homeliness.. and my hopes for the year to come is fully reloaded... 

hear me, all the mad music loving maniacal young doctors out there, i am so out of the nut house and back with a bang... ( while it lasts.. he he)

signing off..

fear

results are out and the freak-out wait is over.. so... what nxt??

the fear of the unknown is always replaced by the fear of...
next unknown..

we are afterall humans, eh? the funny thing that i came across last week is, amidst all the pressure of upcoming results, my mind was all clogged with worries abt whether i passed or not.. over a few hours, however, i was told i got thru... the moment of joy and gratitude passed soon enough and there I was , back on my worry chair, wondering if it was first class, or distinction...!!

pity that in these strange circumstances, i easily forgot the year behind all this, and the work and effort that actually went into this day's better outcome... and i knew, i was already turning into the greedy ambitious woman i always feared i'd become... i controlled my flying expectations of the percentage i had scored, but nevertheless curiosity was building, so i did indulge into finding out my marks...

yup, it wasn't bad.. for the efforts i put in, i actually thought 62% in mbbs isn't so bad... but i couldn't bring myself to congratulate me..

of course, after every gr8 venture we tend to hope for the best outcomes, and we even visualise ourselves at the heights of glory.. i did, he he... i even imagined how i would create a new record in mbbs history- of course it was indeed made this year, but not by me, but by a fellow classmate- and how i'd turn into some celebrity geek of all times... :)

i didnt realise this dream, just like many other fantastic figments of my imagination... i just moved on to the next level without so much as a hurrah... mm, i guess my day of glory (or god forbid, infamy) isn't here yet.. and one of my greatest gurus of all times taught me the lesson of job satisfaction, and even shared his dictionary with me, so that i understood better what he meant by it...

 some hectic house surgeoncy days ahead, guys.. i will keep u all posted, but till then...

adios...

anger

i am angry... ok if the question coming up is "are you in your teens or something??" i have to say "nope".. but yes sometimes i ask the same question to me when i see my angry self in the mirror.. what gives me a huge relief is that i have witnessed the anger of so many ppl and even been on the receiving end many a time that perhaps i have stopped feeling guilty about it , among many other things.. and so , yes, i am angry.. i am angry bcz of a reason... and anger puts in so many thoughts in my mind , tells to do mad things to vent off the surplus and even make me want to jump off a cliff... fortunately ( or unfortunately) no cliffs in my vicinity!

when , after many hours , i find myself at peace and i try to collect myself starting with remembering exactly how and why i got angry, the results are surprising. sometimes its just my hurt ego that got pissed off, sometimes its my  overstated expectations of ppl.. sometimes i am angry like a child coz i didnt get what i wanted, and at others i was angry bcoz i disappointed myself... now i am eventually happy that i had this emotion to lift the heavy load of daily frustrations off my heart, and every burst of anger leaves me so emotionally incapacitated that i bearly react to or remember subsequent bad stuff.. sure i am selfishly happy i can still feel angry when i want to. it keeps me connected to reality.. reminds me i am capable of enjoying  human moments...

but i am sure anyone would agree that the worst kind of anger is that implosive rage that one feels out of place , far remote from the point of ignition and so gradual yet intense in onset  that at the maximum of fury , i am absolutely ignorant abt the reason for my anger, even though i know and believe that it was something quite important.. you cant win a fight in such a state.. you are unaware of the hows and whys of how to prove your point and convince the person who seeks a clarification regarding the subject matter about your emotion... in fact such a rage and any arguments occurring adjacent to it may put healthy human relationships to peril by mere choice of words exchanged or even by its intensity itself, which is exponential and quite out of proportion to the cause itself... as i said before, hours later, when you come back to ur good senses you would be wondering why this other guy you were talking to all morning barely meets you in the eye after what happened...


hmm... anger is a strong emotion, and in its worst avatar, it can burn down everything we have ever tried to build patiently with love... of course a lecture on how to conquer anger with love is not what i intend to do here, coz then you would leave this page this instant! but i want to tell you how much i am indebted to this emotion for it defines a huge part of what i am.. and sure enough i am playing with fire here, and my rage has already proved its destructive instincts.. look down my past and you can see the burnt down ruins of many a good relationships :) and yes, anger is what i am best at and it defends the meek little girl i am within... it protects me from getting hurt and scorches anyone who dare to hurt.. its useful, yes , and puts me right at the top of the Stubborn list.. and perhaps , inspite of all this bullshit abt how i am the angry person, i do wish love conquered over it...  

death

am i scared? no. honestly what i actually feel is awe... death is that single event that nails us down to earth and tells us "hey wake up! dream's over.." death of close ones are painful.. when your eyes water , your heart is wrung and tears ebb and flow.. you lose your parent, sibling, friend, relative.. and you mourn the departure.. the event consumes you the way you were till yesterday, and like a phoenix birdie, a new you is born from the ashes of woe..

now death knocks at not only our doors, but also at our neighbours', colleagues', and at the door of any other 3rd person whom we seldom care about in our busy little world.. be it natural death from ailments, or death from an accident, or, worse, a kind of death we wish never happen again, on or off the newspapers, death sure is a shaky business.. how do we respond to the loss someone else is suffering from...?

now working at a hospital makes this thought pretty unpleasant, esp for a beginner like myself.. witnessing a death, witnessing the loss of a perfect stranger who,  however, entrusted his/her beloved's life upon me, in a certain manner, is unpleasant.. i dont know how i would want to react to it.. but it had to come , for death always does, without warning... and not 1, but 2 souls where taken, wish as i might that the world didnt lose 2 most amicable old ladies... my forerunners would like to tell me "hey kiddo, life is like that.. its not always fair.. deaths happen all the time.. try to live with it..!"

when another soul is lost to the oblivion, no matter whose it was, i think it matters and it should matter... for young or old, everyone "lives" at the mercy of someone else.. and someone dies not bcz he/she ran out of mercy... perhaps death knows no mercy.. perhaps death is mercy itself.. depends on when,how, and upon whom death descends...

ah! death... such an intriguing mystery...!!

.and us mortals - yes, doctors included - watch  in awe - the interplay of life and death.....

മൗനം...

പലപ്പോഴും അഴലിന്റെ മൗനം..

 വേദനിപ്പിക്കുന്ന നൊമ്പരങ്ങള്‍ക്ക് മറയായി ഞാന്‍ ചൂടുന്ന മുഖം മൂടി... ചിലപ്പോള്‍ കണ്ണീര്‍ത്തുള്ളികള്‍ എന്നെപ്പറ്റി സത്യങ്ങള്‍ വിളിച്ചു പറയുമോ എന്ന്‍ കരുതി ഞാനും മൗനം അവലംബിക്കാറുണ്ട്..  ഒരക്ഷരം ഉരിയാടാതെ എന്റെ ചിന്തകളെ ഞാന്‍ എന്നില്‍ തന്നെ ഒളിച്ചു വയ്ക്കും..

ഒടുവില്‍ അടക്കിപ്പിടിക്കാന്‍ ഞാന്‍ പാടുപെട്ട എന്റെ കണ്ണീരെല്ലാം വറ്റുമ്പൊള്‍ ഒരു ചെറുപുഞ്ചിരിയോടെ എന്റെ മൗനം വാചാലമാകും.. പറയാതെ പോയ നല്ലതും നല്ലതല്ലാത്തതുമായ എന്റെ വിചാരങ്ങളെ മനസ്സ് വീണ്ടും മറവിക്ക് സമ്മാനിക്കും..

ദു:ഖം മറയ്ക്കാന്‍ മൗനം... മൗനനൊമ്പരങ്ങള്‍ മറയ്ക്കാന്‍ മറവി...

ഇവര്‍ എനിക്ക് എന്നും പ്രിയപ്പെട്ട കൂട്ടുകാര്‍...

ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍...

ഒരുപാട് ചിരിപ്പിക്കുകയും ചിന്തിപ്പിക്കുകയും കരയിക്കുകയും നൊമ്പരപ്പെടുത്തുകയും ഒക്കെ ചെയ്യുന്ന മനസ്സിന്റെ കണക്കുപുസ്തകത്തിലെ ഏടുകള്‍... ഒരുപക്ഷെ എന്റെ ഏറ്റവും വല്യ ഭയങ്ങളില്‍ ഒന്ന്‍ ഈ ഓര്‍മ്മകളെ എന്നെങ്കിലും എനിക്കു നഷ്ടമാകുമോ എന്നാണ്... വല്യ നിരാശകളേക്കാള്‍ എനിക്ക് വിഷമം തോന്നാറുള്ളത് കൊച്ചു കൊച്ചു നഷ്ടങ്ങളെപ്പറ്റിയാണ്. ചില ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ എത്രതന്നെ നൈമഷികമാണെങ്കിലും അവയെ ജീവിതത്തിന്റെ കുത്തൊഴുക്കില്‍ നഷ്ടമാകുന്നതില്‍ പരം ഒരു വേദന ഉണ്ടോ....

എന്റെ കുട്ടികാലം, സ്കൂള്‍ ജീവിതം, നാട്ടിലെ അവധിക്കാല കുസൃതികള്‍, കൂട്ടുകാരുമായുള്ള രസകരമായ സംഭവങ്ങള്‍.. അങ്ങനെ എന്തെല്ലാം ഓര്‍മ്മകളാണെന്നോ ഞാന്‍ മറവിക്ക് സമ്മാനിച്ചത്..അതെ .. ഞാന്‍ പൊലും അറിയാതെ എനിക്ക് നഷ്ടമായ ഈ ഓര്‍മ്മകള്‍ ഞാന്‍ തിരിച്ചു നേടാന്‍ ആഗ്രഹിക്കുന്നു.. ഹൃദയത്തെ നോവിപ്പിക്കുന്ന കണ്ണീരിന്റെ നനവുള്ള ചില ഓര്‍മ്മകളെ ഞാന്‍ മനപ്പൂര്‍വം യാത്രാമൊഴി ചൊല്ലി സ്നേഹത്തിന്റെ സമ്മാനപ്പൊതിയില്‍ പൊതിഞ്ഞ് മറവിക്ക് നല്‍കിയതായിരുന്നു...

the pain of loss, even the loss of a dear memory, is unbearable...

repurcussions...

over night, one gets to know that one's wildest imaginations have lead one astray... one day ago, i was filled with angry emotions of a kind of fierce protectiveness that expanded across the world to include all poor orphaned victimised girls.. my angry young heart roared at the perverts whose "condition" put innocent children's sanity in peril... and come sunset, and sunrise, and i hear a different story..
the story of a stubborn little girl who was pampered and led to such a level of lack of honor and discipline tht she made quite a number of ppl at the vicinity to misinterpret the whole scenario.. perhaps a  well meaning uncle decided to teach this impertinent little girl a good lesson abt proper behaviour and got cast in a nasty limelite.. to whomsoever tht cares to take a look at the situation, at a glance it appears tht the girl is undoubtedly the victimof worst imaginable tortures from her surrogate family.. but perhaps the alternative theory is the truth, would any common third person try to seek the truth???
the truth .. ahh its still a mystery.. perhaps it will remain forever in the grave of silence ..