turning a new leaf

Along came another exam result.. and i got a ticket to move up to post graduation.. after much ado, i have chosen Anesthesia.. why?

the morale is questionable.. money is good.. working atmosphere is also quite fine.. the risky nature of this field makes it a bit less favoured in the high rank circles..

yet, i chose this clinical speciality with much eagerness.. hopeful of a new bright future..

getting thru yet another exam has made me feel so relaxed that i have begun to understand my hidden dragons are getting unleashed slowly.. a lot of pent up hatred and lost hopes are smouldering in my heart.. if i let go of the strings this fierce rage would consume everything i once loved and cared for..

betrayal of trust is such a trigger for me.. it unplugs my bottled up anger and ignites the ammunition within..

i have begun to fear this wild beast within me.. and i increasingly feel the need to tie up all the loose ends..

so people .. beware.. coz i am dangerous.. you could get hurt..

adios

The Break (Up)

2013 was eventful..

so wat?

well its 2015 now so almost anybody feeling nostalgic at this moment could only be thinking of the beautiful 2014.. its ups and downs.. achievements and failures.. 

but 2013 was a year i thought i had have wanted to forget but it isnt.. 

it is a year of bold choices.. for me and my family.. we both took a decision and that turned out to be the best kept new year resolution ever..

coz its still running in 2015.. its good to know how strong oneself is for a change.. and to remember how bad it is to forget to count one's blessings by lamenting over the lost past.. 

as i penned here before 2 yrs ago, the memories of the past has got itself shaken nad shovelled through lanes i dare not revisit, and has been tampered with by too many sour events... but it has rearranged itself into a new memory and rewriting my understanding of people and places...

for example there was a baker model house down the lane where i lived, and it used to bring me immense sadness thinking of the happy memories of my childhood days when 7 cousins of "M" used to play batman and wat not in its cosy interiors.. leaving M was not an event at all in my life bcoz unfortunately i never knew i was leaving it when i did.. i never got to say good bye.. so a part of my soul got torn off and left trapped in that place...  for a long time it pained me to see the part of me sitting in the empty hall, staring at the empty computer room, the empty cupboards and the bare kitchen with the old blue Kelvinator and looking out thru the small balcony at the flat jungle behind.. 

and then, one day.. that part of my soul just died  a slow peaceful death ... hypoxic ischemic something something..

now when i pass by M, i know it has ceased to be a ghost from the past and it doesnt torture me anymore to watch it grow smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror.. sometimes i see a little girl in light blue shirt and navy blue skirt with two plaits of hair tied with blue ribbons wave back at me.. the smile on her face shall keep me company in my journey forward..

horcruxes : one down, many more to go ;)

adios

happy new year 2015

the pause

post hs
the wat nxt stage
nothing specific in mind as i walk towards pg entrance zone.
the blank
the pause
..

looking back , all i c is a veil.. looking ahead, is also a veiled future..

to forgo the past without knowing wat the future holds s wat life is all about.
or so they say..

the suspense is neither killing nor thrilling..
the wait is dragging..
the track is clear though ..
a path through the woods twisting around tall trees and disappearing into green oblivion..

the blank gets painted green..

that is it .. thats how far you get..
for now.

the bitter gourd

mmm.. bitter first, sweet eventually..

bitter days are not ones we wud want to remember.. strangely enough we actually dnt remember it.. i believe there are certain survival mechanisms involved in the higher centres of the cerebrum which enable us to move on.. to forget the past and the crucial moments which destroyed everything we knew to be true till that moment, only to reassemble into a new meaningful memory with quite a different relevance in the life ahead..

of course life is ahead.. all we have to do in it is to smile and pose for the imagery, while time runs the reel and our life plays along on the canvas of reality..

bitter and sweet together.. how can one thing be both at once...

only time can tell .. bcz how the palate or equivalent in our frontal sulci n gyri tht makes sense of the perceptions of everyday's us , decides to experience them is a mystery in itself..

the suspense adds spice to life, i guess..

adios..

the party is on!!

hey..

its been a while since i wrote something here.. i almost forgot i had a spot here where i used to drop in from time to time..

a year passed by and its been legendary..!

this jan 2013, i got my ticket to practice the art of healing .. or license to kill/cure.. :)
dont worry, i cured most and killed none so thats a fair scoreboard i guess.. now i have been practising out there 2 months and the experience is thrilling. the responsiblities have been huge but it all seems lite compared to our intense house surgeoncy  days.. yeah, intense not harsh..

so the ppl, the patients are regular country fellows with the ailments as routine and boring as possible.. i am kinda enjoying it, and am relaxed and content with the life now.. but it itself feels wrong or stupid.

its a fact that the moment we start earning a living in a field /area that seems comfortable, we tend to nest in it.. we start committing ourselves to various stuff like money deposits in banks, a cosy niche in the whereabouts of our workplace to live in and a couple of tv shows to hang on too.. and with a spar for cooking and hangouts, life just got itself defined...

and here we are stuck in an island of dreams , with a mirage of endless possibilities playing in front of our eyes.. the rest of our shitty life and the important issues that need to be addressed remain wrapped and hidden in the storeroom ....

rethinking , if it happens at all, occurs many years later, when we see our colleagues after the boons of youth have faded away.. suddenly it dawns upon us as to how we got stuck in our lives at the same old place we were years ago, while the wings to fly to newer heights were always there right infront of our eyes.. only we shut them off in our stupid storage room...

sad truth of life revealing itself today, so that u and me realise that we shud not shut ourselves up in the cosy comforts of our present life and forgo the great adventures we were always meant to have..

so i am gonna try hard and remember wat i used to dream, back in  the days of yore, and i am gonna fight for  the life i dreamt of living.. may be live and die fighting for it, but still atleast it means an existence with meaning..

adios

resentment

it is not uncommon that u tend to resent something that u suck at...

 it  sucks especially wen u suck at something that u always thought u wer gonna be good at...

it  was good to to live in that dream in which u would think that u wer bad at those other stuff bcoz u wer not in that particular place wer u wer passionate abt ur work...

it was an amazing feeling to anticipate that the magic would reveal itself wen u finally reach the place of work u always belonged to...

it would come as a great disappointment wen instead of magic, disaster hits and after so long , if u still find urself out of place , then the realisation descends upon u that this isn't u.. this isn't ur playground.. this isn't my thing...

i seem to have lost my trueself in this messy egoistic man-jungle...

and i resent it

psy psy psy

have u heard tht label??

he he... u guessed rite.. 2 weeks of psychiatry posting taught me the depth of those three letters..

i was posed with a puzzling thought,... how do we know if the psyche is normal .. who is psy and who isnt... difficult though it seems, i was determined to learn smthing or the othr as to how to make the difference... behind the protective bars of nurses' station i could see a ward of patients who were tabooed as mentally ill..
while on the other side i saw the medical personnel whom i mingled with more than i did with the so called mentally ill..

i willl tell u the truth i learned.. psychiatric patients are ppl who have accepted their illness and are taking treatment... for al we know, those who havent been found to have psychiatric illness are either not aware of it or not willing to get it treated,....;)

between the eccentricities of these patients ( and of some others  of the latter categories ;)), i saw and learned the twisted games that mind played on humans... and i got in touch with wats it like to go crazy... it is indeed an extreme experience ... and the faces will haunt me,.. as always..


funniest realisation of all, there was a quality of the average malayali that i was happy to see that ward of patients finally were rid off...

hypocrisy..

for all i saw there were men and women who more or less understood and accepted themselves for wat they truly were, and i'd say they were quite and example for the common ppl outside..

adios