anger

i am angry... ok if the question coming up is "are you in your teens or something??" i have to say "nope".. but yes sometimes i ask the same question to me when i see my angry self in the mirror.. what gives me a huge relief is that i have witnessed the anger of so many ppl and even been on the receiving end many a time that perhaps i have stopped feeling guilty about it , among many other things.. and so , yes, i am angry.. i am angry bcz of a reason... and anger puts in so many thoughts in my mind , tells to do mad things to vent off the surplus and even make me want to jump off a cliff... fortunately ( or unfortunately) no cliffs in my vicinity!

when , after many hours , i find myself at peace and i try to collect myself starting with remembering exactly how and why i got angry, the results are surprising. sometimes its just my hurt ego that got pissed off, sometimes its my  overstated expectations of ppl.. sometimes i am angry like a child coz i didnt get what i wanted, and at others i was angry bcoz i disappointed myself... now i am eventually happy that i had this emotion to lift the heavy load of daily frustrations off my heart, and every burst of anger leaves me so emotionally incapacitated that i bearly react to or remember subsequent bad stuff.. sure i am selfishly happy i can still feel angry when i want to. it keeps me connected to reality.. reminds me i am capable of enjoying  human moments...

but i am sure anyone would agree that the worst kind of anger is that implosive rage that one feels out of place , far remote from the point of ignition and so gradual yet intense in onset  that at the maximum of fury , i am absolutely ignorant abt the reason for my anger, even though i know and believe that it was something quite important.. you cant win a fight in such a state.. you are unaware of the hows and whys of how to prove your point and convince the person who seeks a clarification regarding the subject matter about your emotion... in fact such a rage and any arguments occurring adjacent to it may put healthy human relationships to peril by mere choice of words exchanged or even by its intensity itself, which is exponential and quite out of proportion to the cause itself... as i said before, hours later, when you come back to ur good senses you would be wondering why this other guy you were talking to all morning barely meets you in the eye after what happened...


hmm... anger is a strong emotion, and in its worst avatar, it can burn down everything we have ever tried to build patiently with love... of course a lecture on how to conquer anger with love is not what i intend to do here, coz then you would leave this page this instant! but i want to tell you how much i am indebted to this emotion for it defines a huge part of what i am.. and sure enough i am playing with fire here, and my rage has already proved its destructive instincts.. look down my past and you can see the burnt down ruins of many a good relationships :) and yes, anger is what i am best at and it defends the meek little girl i am within... it protects me from getting hurt and scorches anyone who dare to hurt.. its useful, yes , and puts me right at the top of the Stubborn list.. and perhaps , inspite of all this bullshit abt how i am the angry person, i do wish love conquered over it...